Changes

Its been a while.
Things have changed.
LIFE has changed
I guess things always do change when you leave something behind, and look back at it much later... or even a few days later.
No matter if its days or weeks, things do change.
I sort of hate it, because if things stayed the same then we wouldn't have to face challenges or hurt other people...or be hurt by other people. We wouldn't ever have to see anyone suffer. We wouldn't have to watch ourselves get older and be able to be hurt by more things; boys, school, family, even life itself is painful sometimes.
However, without the pain, the good times wouldn't ever come either. So I suppose that we can't live without it.
Change runs through our blood, and makes us who we are. Without it, we would just be lump of insignificant rock that just sits by and watches the world change but never does (metaphor: fail. Rocks do too change)
We have to learn that for every moment we love, we also cry. That for every moment we cry, we find peace, and for every moment we find peace we find loss also.
Learn to embrace the change and then maybe someday the world will change...
For the better

As for the current change, I've found that of my four real friend I really only have two, Ethan and Alexa. They're a couple now and to be honest, the awkwardness took ALOT of getting used to. Lol
But I think things are ok now.
I care more about them than anyone, because they're the only people in the world who stuck by me through everything happening in my life, how fucked up I was, and what kind of things I did to people and said to people to make THEM hate ME... instead of just hating them.
But those two never hated me. Tia and Jackie turned out to be a bit...less agreeable.
Starting from the beginning:
At lunch one day about two months ago I'll approximate, Tia decided it was a good day to hate me. She basically told me that Jackie never liked me, that in actuality no one did, and that she hated me and nobody wanted me there.
Due to this I wound up storming out of the school, walking 3 or 4 blocks down to a bus stop, crashing there while bawling my eyes out and trying to slit my wrists. I called my mom during my walk, and she talked to me the whole time. I eventually agreed to let her call the police, who came and found me there, bleeding and broken like a child. The police man was kind. He called an ambulance, and they took me to Rochester General Hospital.
It was like torture upon walking through the doors. The last time I had been there was when my grandfather was put into a nursing home, never to return to us again. Hes still alive...but not truly living.
They lead me to children and adolescent emergency department, where I sat on a gurney, terrified of what would happen when my father got there. And then he was there. (it felt like I'd waited there for hours, but I later found out it had only been about 10 minute. you lose a sense of time when you're crazy...) I exploded crying just upon seeing him. He was supportive and loving and all I needed. he was a rock for me to cling onto.
I sat on that gurney for another 4 hours at least, then I was told that I needed to be moved from the emergency ward, temporarily to the mental ward.
I was there almost 15 minutes.
Those were by far the worst 15 minutes of my life.
Every second was a new terrifying agony of a small off-white walled room, covered in pencil markings from the people there before me. They decided it would be best for me to be put in a partial out-patient program. Basically I spent a few hours there every day for group therapy.
I made it through one day of partial.
On my second day, I had another breakdown.
I decided I really truly did want to die. I won't go into details...
I spent 6 hours in PsychED (psychiatric emergency department) And they concluded that I, after all this, truly needed alot more help than any outpatient program could give me.
I was officially admitted as an inpatient Tuesday, June 15th, 2010, 9:51 p.m.
The people there were all so unique.
There was Aaron, who upon seeing me that first night waved excitedly, for some reason being VERY happy to see me, this person he'd never before met.
Then there was his roomy Max. He got discharged the next morning. I saw him again much later though.
Then there was Shannon. She shouldn't have been discharged yet but was one day before me.
Dana, a great girl, who for some reason they felt wasn't sane enough to go into the real world, though I thought she was.
There was Brett, who was, in every meaning of the word, Awesome. He told me the night I came in that he was probably getting discharged the next day. Then he said that every day for the rest of the time I spent there. He was still there when I left. He said I had a beautiful voice.
There was also Ben. He was put in the same night as me. I think he had anger issues...
There was another girl...I think her name was Crystal. Every time I said "I love you" Randomly to her, she said "I love you as well", completely without hesitating.
And lastly was Elaina, my room mate. I just adored her.

The time I spent there was revolutionary. I never thought I could be so...trapped. I wasn't allowed to touch anyone. Nobody...
I'm a hugging kinda gal!!!
So when the two people I love more than anyone in the world showed up (Alexa and Ethan) I was very touchy and cuddly, and REFUSED to stop clinging.
Anywho, the fact that they came and visited me there in that place meant more to me than anything ever has. I love them so much.
I was so lonely, that when I saw a pile of Ethan's hair sitting on the floor in our tiny cafeteria later that evening, that I walked over to it, and stumbled to the ground and stared at it. Everyone thought I had merely fallen. But I was so lonely, and those few strands of hair were my only connection to the outside world, I was forced to go back to my seat, and by the next day the hairs were gone, likely swept away by a janitor or such...I think I was still a little crazy that night...
I got discharged after one straight week of arts and crafts, lame musical therapy, and some of the most interesting people I'd ever meet.
I was released back into partial June 22nd, 2010,at 10:35a.m.
Ironically, upon stumbling back into partial, I found that Max was also there. Only to be discharged two days later. I really don't think I'll EVER get to know that guy...
I was officially released back into the real world, exactly one week ago as of 15 hours and 13 minutes from now. July 2nd, 2010, 1:00 p.m
I am now officially an outpatient set to have my first outpatient therapy meeting tomorrow at the exact 7 day anniversary of my discharge.
1:00 p.m...
Changes have happened in these past 4 months since I posted. Many many changes. And now I've discovered a new me. So I hope...a better me?